Triggers happen when some small event sets off something bigger that is already locked and loaded. The big reaction is ready to go and the little event that sets it off is not the real issue. It’s just the “trigger.”
How Triggers Work.
- An event, words or actions set off an emotional warning based on past experience. For example, our partner might appear to show, disapproval, turning away, or not respond to a request.
- We Make Meaning out of that, talking to ourselves: “So I’m being criticized, ignored disrespected, attacked, devalued, etc!” This kind of self-talk winds up emotions.
- Emotions Surge, frustration, anger, defensiveness, hopelessness, as well as heart rate, blood pressure and stress hormones. Once this starts to happen, clear thinking comes to an end and we react with fight or flight.
- Action Impulse drives us to do or say something such as raise our voice, defend our actions, counterattack with criticism or withdraw, become silent, even passive-aggressive. Sometimes you can hardly control this, even saying to yourself, “don’t say that,” as the nasty words come out of your mouth.
How to Escape the Pattern
The easier way: When you have a positive mindset, and feel kind towards your partner, even vulnerable and optimistic, you will just let the trigger event pass quietly or respond with something loving and reassuring.
If the pattern has become habitual, there will be a bit more work as you redirect your own process like this:
- Detach and observe how that little event started you feeling different all of a sudden. Pause and check if you really want this trigger to take off right now.
- Make a useful meaning out of what happened: “ I guess he/she is worried about something,” or “this is one of those tense moments we should be careful with,” or “I’m ok, I don’t need to take it personally.” A different way of talking to yourself that is kinder or at least more detached from the person.
- Soothe the emotion by observing it and take a pause, a few breaths, or even a break for a few minutes. Anger never brings partners closer and you will be wiser when your heart rate is slower.
- Act on the useful meaning by responding more thoughtfully to the situation under the trigger event. Or, if that is too much right now, say out loud how you are thinking: “I started to fell defensive and angry after you said that, but I don’t want to get carried away. I want to slow down and get through this with a happy ending for both of us.”
Observing is a Skill
Step 1 above is a skill that will change your life. That little moment where you say to yourself, “hey what just happened inside me right now,” will give you the power to change your world. Some call it detachment, or misidentification. It is almost like stepping outside yourself and watching the event happen like a scientist. And the person you are watching is yourself.