Context Compass Logo

Dixon Zalit – Registered Therapeutic Counsellor

Book a Session

Author: admin

  • Understand Your Triggers

    Understand Your Triggers

    Triggers happen when some small event sets off something bigger that is already locked and loaded. The big reaction is ready to go and the little event that sets it off is not the real issue. It’s just the “trigger.”

    How Triggers Work.

    1. An event, words or actions set off an emotional warning based on past experience. For example, our partner might appear to show, disapproval, turning away, or not respond to a request.
    2. We Make Meaning out of that, talking to ourselves: “So I’m being criticized, ignored disrespected, attacked, devalued, etc!” This kind of self-talk winds up emotions.
    3. Emotions Surge, frustration, anger, defensiveness, hopelessness, as well as heart rate, blood pressure and stress hormones. Once this starts to happen, clear thinking comes to an end and we react with fight or flight.
    4. Action Impulse drives us to do or say something such as raise our voice, defend our actions, counterattack with criticism or withdraw, become silent, even passive-aggressive. Sometimes you can hardly control this, even saying to yourself, “don’t say that,” as the nasty words come out of your mouth.

    How to Escape the Pattern

    The easier way: When you have a positive mindset, and feel kind towards your partner, even vulnerable and optimistic, you will just let the trigger event pass quietly or respond with something loving and reassuring.

    If the pattern has become habitual, there will be a bit more work as you redirect your own process like this:

    1. Detach and observe how that little event started you feeling different all of a sudden. Pause and check if you really want this trigger to take off right now.
    2. Make a useful meaning out of what happened: “ I guess he/she is worried about something,” or “this is one of those tense moments we should be careful with,” or “I’m ok, I don’t need to take it personally.” A different way of talking to yourself that is kinder or at least more detached from the person.
    3. Soothe the emotion by observing it and take a pause, a few breaths, or even a break for a few minutes. Anger never brings partners closer and you will be wiser when your heart rate is slower.
    4. Act on the useful meaning by responding more thoughtfully to the situation under the trigger event. Or, if that is too much right now, say out loud how you are thinking: “I started to fell defensive and angry after you said that, but I don’t want to get carried away. I want to slow down and get through this with a happy ending for both of us.”

    Observing is a Skill

    Step 1 above is a skill that will change your life. That little moment where you say to yourself, “hey what just happened inside me right now,” will give you the power to change your world. Some call it detachment, or misidentification. It is almost like stepping outside yourself and watching the event happen like a scientist. And the person you are watching is yourself.

  • Why Try Counselling?

    Why Try Counselling?

    You should be careful or even skeptical about going for counselling. It’s a big step that costs money, takes time and asks you to be honest with yourself. What are the upsides?

    Some of these reasons for counselling might not apply to you, but maybe one of them fits your situation.

    1. Possibility of Huge Positive Change

    A moment of crisis can be when you make a big breakthrough for improving your life. Few people can make a big breakthrough just by thinking through everything in their own heads. Usually, we need input from someone else. Sometimes you can sort out problems just by talking with an experienced friend or mentor. For focused help, counsellors are specialists in helping you identify all the pieces of your puzzle.

    I often work with individuals who come to counselling at a moment when they are ready for change, ready to try something new. I help them explore the opportunities. I also offer some well-tested tools for change. Often they experience dramatic improvements in stress levels, relationships or career direction.

    2. Learn New Skills

    Just like physical skills that we use in sports, trades or professions, there are skills for thinking better and even for managing emotions. Our minds get into habits of thinking that trap us into mental suffering. Anxiety is like that. Counselling for anxiety usually brings significant improvement just by using some skills of thinking. The same happens when we are stuck in a pattern of behaviour. We know we should change, but something always keeps us doing the same. New thinking skills take practice, just like in a sport. A good counsellor can help you stay on track, in the same way a coach helps athletes train for performance.

    3. Break Bad Habits

    We are often blind to our own mistakes. Some habits of thinking and reacting seem normal to us as we go through the day, but stopping to examine our own patterns reveals where we could replace an old habit with something new. Guilt and shame about our mistakes can shut us down and make us feel hopeless about change. A counsellor can help ease the rough moments of identifying bad habits so guilt and shame don’t defeat you.

    4. Understand Where You Came From

    This is not as complicated as it sounds; here is the simple version. All of us have been shaped by what happened to us when we were younger. Even as children, we learned ways of getting through hard times with our limited abilities. But sometimes, the way we learned to cope back then has stuck with us in the form of habits and thinking and acting that don’t work with our adult situations. Your experiences might have, for example, led you to the habit of trying to hard to please people, or isolating yourself, or getting angry, or avoiding being honest, or something else like that.

    The right counsellor can help you connect the dots between then and now. As you understand yourself better, you can focus on the right kind of growth and change.

    5. Save a Relationship

    Very few people are naturally good at relationships. I don’t really know why. Most of us have to learn the hard way. The good news there is a fantastic payoff for getting a relationship working. Having a good supportive connection with your partner brings happiness and love. That’s what we all want.

    Couples counselling gives you a chance to reset. A counsellor will work to help you look underneath all the conflicts and arguments so you can understand each other again. You can learn to reach for each other without creating defensiveness and stonewalling.

  • How to Stop an Argument

    How to Stop an Argument

    When you get into an argument and hear yourself saying things you know shouldn’t be said. This strategy can help take a step or two closer to normal conversation.

    When Your Brain Is Overloaded

    In the heat of the moment, you might feel angry, or overwhelmed, or desperate or the need to run. It’s not calm thoughtful or intelligent the way you are with other people. Here is a simple, research tested process to get you closer to normal

    1. Stop!

    Make the argument stop by saying what is absolutely true in that moment:

    “I am really ______________ (angry or frustrated or some feeling). This will go badly if we keep going.”

    “I need to take a break till I feel more normal.”

    Research on arguing couples shows they have elevated heartrates, blood pressure and stress hormones that cause their brains to prioritize fighting and de-prioritize thinking. When you are angry, you are less intelligent because brain resources have been diverted to make you powerful instead.

    2. Take a Break

    Get away and get your mind off the topic you were arguing about. Do not take a break to think it over. Deliberately think about something else.

    Maybe take a walk and pay attention to the trees, the sky, the mountains, or even just the dirt. Listen to the birds or the cars or whatever you can hear. Smell the air.

    When you take this kind of a break, your heart rate will come down, stress hormones will reduce and your brain will switch back to more intelligent thinking. The brain researchers call this “executive control.”

    3. Play the Movie in Your Head

    First, After you feel closer to normal, visualize the scene of the argument and how it would go if you had just stayed in it. Hear the raised voices, the harsh words, and the accusations. See how it usually ends and the bitter state of mind both of you can get into for the rest of the day or even the rest of the month. You know what this looks like because you have done it all before.

    Second, play the movie where the argument goes better, gets solved or maybe just postponed. See yourself using different words to make that happen. See yourself looking calmer or kinder, whatever would work. Hear yourself talking like a partner or a lover or a leader or whatever it takes. Hear yourself talking with humor or love. Hear yourself even taking the other person’s perspective into account.

    This method of visualizing is time tested. Recovering alcoholics use this to play the movie of what will happen after they take that first drink. Impulsive or ADHD personalities use visualization to help them see the risks or benefits of their behaviors. We all use it to avoid repeating painful mistakes.

    4. Go Back and Offer to Start Over

    Don’t just let it lie. That doesn’t work. This time use something called “gentle startup.” Most arguments end the way they start. Start gentle and you could get a gentle ending. Maybe admit that you were angry and said some harsh things.

    Face it, you are only going to do one of four things in this discussion:

    • Stand your ground
    • Negotiate
    • Compromise
    • Postpone

    Can you do what you need to do with kindness or love? Can you do it without accusations or bringing up old issues? You can. When anger subsides, your intelligence and wisdom return.

    Most issues between couples never get solved. Issues like this are normal for most relationships with differences like this:

    • neat vs messy
    • careful vs adventurous
    • extrovert vs introvert
    • late vs on time
    • emotional vs rational
    • thrifty vs spending
    • planning vs spontaneous

    Successful couples usually solve these with some combination of compromise, negotiation and forgiveness. They somehow keep the kindness in those discussions and stop discussions from escalating into fight or flight

    Take it Further: Learn to Make your Relationship Better

    There are many ways to improve your relationship. Here are some you might try:

  • What Happens in Counselling?

    What Happens in Counselling?

    Confidentialty

    Whatever you say to me is private information and I don’t tell anyone else what I know about you. I can lose my license if I violate your privacy. I also know that counselling can go well only if you feel confident that everything is private. The only time I would be required to break confidentiality is if there is danger of harm to you or someone else.

    I’m Going to Listen Carefully

    You’re the expert on what it is like to be you. I have questions to help us get to the heart of what happens, what matters, what hurts, and what your goals or dreams are. It is important for me to listen without judgment. I will pay close attention because within your story there are seeds of solutions for a better life.

    We Identify Goals

    What would start happening if your problems stopped getting in the way of living life well? What would you be doing then? Then what would happen? What would others notice about you? Those kinds of questions will help us identify goals for our work.

    Proven Counselling Systems

    Some counselling systems have been well-tested and proven around the world. Even though I have life experience, I don’t just tell you my opinion. I help you look at your topics using tools that are known to help. Here are the main approaches I draw from:

    Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)

    A way of taking a look at our own thought patterns to become aware of what is helping and what is hurting. Habits of thinking can get stuck in loops that overrule good decisions. In CBT, a counsellor helps you see how certain events “trigger” unhelpful ways of thinking that lead into negative emotions. Once you see the cycle, these thinking “behaviours” can be replaced with better ones, leading to better actions and fulfillment in life

    Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT)

    Emotions happen for good reason, so understanding what they are really telling us can make a big difference. That includes everything from small gut feelings to big anger or helplessness. Emotions reveal our deep concerns and hurts but also keep us energized and connected. For most people, experiences in childhood and youth have a lot to do with how they feel and react today. In EFT, a counsellor takes time to help you unpack those experiences so you can let go of old feelings that are holding you back. Our best selves can emerge as we learn to regulate emotions and let them help us understand what we really need.

    Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACCT)

    A way of using your best values to guide life choices while learning to manage the internal struggles that hold you back. If you have ever done something important at the same time as being scared, you know much of life is like that. We never really feel perfect inside, but instead can learn tools to manage our thoughts and feelings while we focus on doing what we really believe in. Most people find that happiness comes from doing what they really believe in.

    Communication Tools for Relationships

    Learning effective techniques for communicating can make a huge difference in your life. It has for me. The fields of relationship communication, negotiation and mediation have all turned up fantastic tools for connecting and working with others. Mostly these tools help us switch from arguing about details to finding a shared understanding of the big picture. In counselling, we can practice applying those tools in your life situations.

    Trauma-Informed Counselling

    If you have had painful, or shocking overwhelming experiences that made a big impact in your life, it is important for me to help you address the effects carefully and compassionately. It takes careful work to start unwinding the effects of trauma on your brain and nervous system. It is imperative that counselling does not make things worse.
    In our first conversation, I will be glad to tell you more or answer any questions about my counselling.

  • Overthinking. Can You Fix It?

    Overthinking. Can You Fix It?

    “Overthinking,” is how many clients describe what is happening inside their heads. Rumination is what psychologists call it. Everyone does it to some degree, but when it begins to impair your life, you might look for help.

    What is Overthinking?

    Here are some common examples

    • Replaying painful events over in your mind
    • Imagining worst-case scenarios
    • Recalling mistakes you made
    • Blaming yourself
    • Comparing yourself to others
    • Imagining future conversations with people

    The worst part is how these negative thoughts seem to play automatically. At any time of day or night they appear to torment you and distract you from resting, enjoying relationships or being productive in work.

    Why does overthinking happen?

    There is a sensible reason that your mind will produce negative thoughts. You have a built-in safety warning system. Job number one for your mind is to prevent disaster that would end or ruin your life. If you step onto a busy street or walk up to the edge of a cliff, your attention will instantly focus on what could harm you. Your mind will just as quickly warn you about dangers to your reputation, social status, career or love life.

    Sometimes this safety warning system gets stuck on high like a fire alarm that goes off by itself. Stress or trauma often does that. When we are overwhelmed by more than we can handle, our minds get stuck in negative thinking without solutions.

    How does counselling help?

    I, and most therapists will help you with overthinking in specific ways.

    • Get specific about the negative thoughts so you can challenge them and name the alternatives.
    • Practice halting the cascade of negative thoughts
    • Practice accepting negative thoughts as normal events that come and go
    • Discover how past events in childhood or trauma are still affecting today’s thinking
    • Learn to switch from chaotic negative thinking into problem-solving
    • Learn new communication skills
    • Identify the most important values and choices for your future

    Overthinking usually happens when your mind is overwhelmed by stress or painful events. Sometimes it can be reset just by learning new skills and a few life changes. Sometimes it is much more serious and needs deep personal work or medical psychiatric intervention.

    I’m glad to have a conversation with you to see if counselling with me is a good fit for you.

  • When Your Wife Want You to go for Counselling

    When Your Wife Want You to go for Counselling

    Your wife wants you to go for counselling. Should you go?

    I often have men coming to meet me for just this reason. They are usually cautious about the idea of seeing a counsellor, but in hopes of saving their marriage, they take a chance on trying. There are some possible downsides: it will cost money, it’s hard to talk about troubles, and your friends might find out. I admit all that can seem humbling, so many men (me too) put it off for a while. The upside is that a man can bring huge improvements to his marriage when he is willing to take some time and effort. That’s what I have seen. Two big topics seem to help the most:

    1. Learn some new connection skills – If you are out of ideas on how to solve problems, understand each other, or just enjoy time with her, there is good news. Relationship scientists have been studying couples to find out what makes the difference between who stays together and who winds up divorced. Surprisingly, it’s not shared interests, similar personalities or even avoiding conflict that keeps couples together. Successful couples have a way of connecting with each other that bridges their differences. By learning and practicing new habits, many men have put their marriages on a new track
    2. Deal with inner struggles that keep you stuck – Have you found yourself reactive and triggered in situations where you wanted to be wise and strong? That happens to a lot of men. Sometimes even if we know what to do, we just can’t seem to make it happen. You might just feel too overwhelmed by so many troubles at once. You might be feeling numb and unmotivated. You might be haunted by other life events or a difficult childhood. Past experiences have ways of keeping us trapped in old habits of acting or thinking. Counselling works to help make sense of what you feel so the healing process can start. New skills have a better chance of working once you know yourself better.

    The men I meet are usually working on both of those topics, switching back and forth as needed. You are the one who can find the balance between the two. I have to listen carefully enough to see how it works for you because no one size fits all.

    I admit that’s not easy. You need to have a counsellor who understands you well enough to help you find your own way through. Not all counsellors will be a good fit for you, so its good to have a short meeting or phone call to check them out.

  • Is my Counselling Covered by Insurance?

    Is my Counselling Covered by Insurance?

    If you have insurance that might cover counselling, check to see who and what is covered.

    Checking Your Policy

    Insurance policies differ in what they cover. They define “counselling,” “clinical counselling,” and “psychotherapy” differently. Some insurance providers allow your counsellor to bill directly; others reimburse you after you have paid the counsellor’s invoice. My best advice is to call your provider and check. They can tell you if the counsellor you have selected is eligible for coverage.

    Once you know you have coverage, the designation of your counsellor may determine if you can get coverage for that counsellor.

    Counsellor Designations

    Registered Therapeutic Counsellors – RTC

    There are many RTCs in Vernon, giving you a wide selection of counsellors to choose from. I am an RTC. Our professional association is the Association of Cooperative Counselling Therapists of Canada, an organization that certifies counsellors who have education, competence and excellence in the counselling profession. In my experience as an RTC, my clients are eligible for reimbursed by these providers:

    • Sun Life (counselling or psychotherapy)
    • Green Shield (clinical counselling)
    • Equitable Life of Canada
    • Blue Cross (clinical counselling)

    Registered counsellors are usually not covered by these companies:

    • Canada Life
    • ICBC

    Registered Clinical Counsellors – RCC and Social Workers – RSC

    RCCs belong to the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors. and have a master’s degree in counselling. RSCs belong to the British Columbia Association of Social Workers and have a BA degree in social work. They are certified to provide mental health services in publicly funded health care and rehabilitation settings as well as private practice. RCCs and RSCs are covered by all insurance providers as well.

  • Active Listening will Save You

    Active Listening will Save You

    This couple’s argument is headed for disaster. One communication skill alone could save their relationship. It’s not just any listening; it is active listening.

    What is Active Listening For?

    Active listening is powerful enough to re-direct a heated argument into a calmer discussion about what really matters. It can get you away from endless disputing about details and beliefs. It will also move you away from accusations and insults, the most damaging parts of your argument.

    At first you might dismiss this as silly, weak, being a doormat. So maybe, see it as an experiment. You will discover why active listening is practiced by experts, from counsellors to hostage negotiators.

    Here is a step by step approach to make your partner feel, and I do mean feel, understood. They will start to have hope about working together on this problem with you instead of fighting about it. It will be hard to start though, because instead of telling your partner what they should do or say, you will temporarily suspend your opinion and facts and start this process:

    Prepare yourself

    – Decide that it’s okay to pause defending yourself. Instead, become honestly curious about what might be behind your partner’s accusation. Get ready for them to blurt out some hurtful statements, which you will let pass by for now. You only interested in getting to their deeper concerns and hopes.

    Show that you are listening

    – Start listening as if you are someone not involved in the conflict. Nod your head with interest, say something like “oh…” or “uh huh,” with feeling so they can see that you are paying attention in some way.

    Prove You Are Listening

    – Never say “I understand.” Instead, prove that you understand by repeating back something that you heard. This is called a reflection. You might rephrase what they just said (without their accusing tone) or you could just repeat something exactly while nodding your head to show that you get it. Also, prove that you are listening to the feelings with body language. If the person describes something sad, show that feeling as you reflect. If the person is shocked, show a bit of that feeling as you say, “…wow you were shocked about that!” That is called empathy.

    Check if this is Working

    – When you repeat something back to your partner, look at their face for some indication that you got the meaning right, or wrong. If you have got it right, you will see a nod of their head or some look on their face showing agreement. If you don’t see that positive response, just listen a bit more and try again. Keep trying until they can see you are starting to recognize their point of view. This is where they start to feel listened to.

    Ask a Question to Go Deeper

    – Now you have a chance to find out how to build a bridge across the impasse. Ask one of these questions that will move the conversation to the real issue:

    • What makes you want to say that? (you may have to ask this a few times)
    • What matters to you about all this?
    • What is the risk if this goes the wrong way for you?
    • What are you feeling about this?
    • What are you hoping for?

    Dont as “why” questions. Asking someome “why” encourages reason giving or rationalization. You want to go deeper than just reasons.

    Read between The Lines

    – As they answer your question, listen for deeper meaning

    • how they feel
    • what their hopes are
    • what their needs are
    • what they are worried about

    Reflect some of the deeper meaning back as well. Showing that you understand their inner world builds connection. By now the argument has toned down and there is an opportunity to start working together on a solution for both of you.

    Make a Wise Choice About Next Steps

    – You can go in one of two directions here. Be wise about switching to your own point of view; you might want to delay that till later.

    • “I’m glad you told me about this. I need time to think about it”
    • “Can I tell you something about what this means to me?”

    How Active Listening Changes the Relationship

    If you do this, the big effect will be to cool the heated emotions. When a person feels understood, even a bit, they start to calm down. That means they might now be willing to care about your point of view. Read my article about the I-message to see you to share your own views.

    You might also decide to leave the conversation at just listening and promise to come back later. “Let’s talk again in the morning,” is sometimes the best thing to say.

  • Find a Counsellor in Vernon BC

    Find a Counsellor in Vernon BC

    There are quite a few counsellors here in Vernon. Here are some of my recommendations for finding your best counsellor.

    Best Listings of Counsellors in Vernon Vernon

    Psychology Today, Vernon – The largest listing of verified counsellors in Vernon is the Psychology Today website. The “verified by psychology today” badge indicates that a counsellor’s credentials have been checked, and they belong to a professional counselling association in Canada. You can easily search based on issues, insurance, gender, price and more. Most counsellors on this site are accepting new clients.

    Theravive Vernon – This listing contains some verified Psychologists and Registered Clinical Counsellors in Vernon.

    Google Business Listings – This will be the largest list of counselling businesses in Vernon with a handy map to show you where everyone is. Google does not verify their qualifications, but you can look at their websites to see what credentials they have.

    What is the Difference Between Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Counsellor Titles?

    Psychiatrists are part of the medical system. They make a more thorough diagnosis than a doctor and are very knowledgeable about medications for mental health disorders. While doctors can prescribe medication for mental illnesses, psychiatrists are better able to find exactly the right medication for specific disorders. They are trained to work with the most severe mental disorders such as schizophrenia. You will need a doctor’s referral to see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists seem to be in very limited supply with long waiting lists.

    Psychologists also work in the medical system and in private practice. You may be able to get a doctor’s referral and have the cost covered by BC Medical or you may find a psychologist in private practice and pay them directly. They have graduate degrees and are certified by the College of Psychologists of BC. They can diagnose disorders and help with talking therapy but not medication. There are only a few psychologists in Vernon.

    Counsellors offer therapy for anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma, relationships, impulse control, life coaching and many other issues. You will notice there are a few different classifications of counsellors:

    • Registered Clinical Counsellors (RCC) hold a master’s degree in counselling and are covered by all insurance programs, ICBC, Crime Victim Assistance Program and other public funding.

    • Registered Social Workers (RSW) are certified to provide counselling in BC and are covered by most of the same benefit programs as RCCs.

    • Registered Therapeutic/Professional Counsellors (RTC and RPC) hold a degree or diploma in counselling and are covered by many insurance programs but not all. Canada Life does not cover them as far as I know.

    • Unregistered persons with no professional association may also use the title “counsellor” for their business. The title of Counsellor is not regulated in BC so anyone may use the title if they choose.

    What Is Most Important About a Counsellor?

    A huge amount of research has tried to find out what kind of counselling really works best. The answer is surprisingly simple. First, a counsellor who genuinely understands and relates well to you personally is the one who can help the most. You will be able to recognize this as you speak with them. Second, a good counsellor will be an ally for your goals so you can work together as a team. This means your counsellor understands your goals and brings tools that you can actually use. Also, your best counsellor will usually have some kind of specialty in the topics and therapy methods that apply to your situation. Most counsellors are educated in standard methods such as Cognitive Behavior Therapy or Emotion Focused Therapy or some other well-known approach. If you have a preliminary conversation with a counsellor, ask about their methods of counselling and pay attention to your own level of comfort talking with them.

    How Much Does Counselling Cost?

    Individual Counselling in Vernon can cost as little as $90 per hour, to over $200 per hour depending on who you choose. Couples counselling rates are usually higher than the individual rate. If your counselling is covered by insurance, there may be a limit on the dollar amount. Many insurance companies have a limit of $500 per year. More information about insurance coverage here.

    For very low-cost counselling, the Vernon Family Resource Center offers rates based on your ability to pay. Often there is a waiting list for new clients.

    This Counsellor

    As for myself, I am a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor with a psychology degree, counselling diploma and conflict resolution training. That’s important, but clients don’t sign on for education alone. Sometimes clients just choose me because my life experience or age seems right for them. Some clients like that I focus on practical coping skills for daily living. On the other hand, some potential clients meet me but decide to keep looking for someone else. That is ok too. I offer a free consultation to help clients decide.

    It is worthwhile taking time to find the right counsellor. Counsellors have many individual approaches and styles, and some of them will be just right for you.

  • Does Counselling Work ?

    Does Counselling Work ?

    Quick Summary:

    No, counselling does not work when,

    • Your counsellor does not understand you
    • You don’t feel comfortable with your counsellor
    • You want someone else to make changes
    • You avoid talking about your thoughts or emotions

    Yes, Counselling works when,

    • Your counsellor understands you
    • You feel comfortable talking with your counsellor
    • You are looking for change in yourself
    • You are willing to talk about how your mind and feelings work

    Sad but true, you can go to counselling and not get lasting effects. It happens a lot. Since counselling is expensive, it’s worth putting the right conditions in place

    If Your Counsellor Understands You.

    You, the client, will know this early on. You should get a sense that your counsellor really gets what you are struggling with and they don’t judge you. Your counsellor doesn’t need to have the same experiences, they just need to be able to relate with you and in a way that you can believe.

    If you feel comfortable with your counsellor, with describing your fears, hopes and painful experiences, then you will be able to get to the bottom of issues that matter. That comfort is hard to put in scientific terms, but you will know when you know. Trust your judgment.

    Research has shown that the strongest effects in counselling are not from the type of therapy, but from the actual quality of your relationship with the counsellor. A relationship that has trust, teamwork, strategies and accountability helps the most.

    If You Have Decided to Change

    You don’t even need to know exactly what the change is, just that you want it and you are ready to start. The only person you can really control is …you.

    If plain old advice worked, we wouldn’t need counsellors. We could just put into practice the advice of our friends, mentors or other successful individuals. Humans don’t work that way. And the worst habits are not our actions. Our worst habits are patterns of thinking and feeling. That is why we don’t take common sense advice about eating healthy, exercising more and saving money either. Our thoughts and feelings keep us stuck.

    A good counsellor will help you challenge beliefs about yourself and others that keep you in distress. A good counsellor will help you examine the range of feelings and gut reactions that occur inside of you. Some of those feelings are good guides to what you need to do. Other feelings are steering you the sideways and your counsellor well help you let go of those, with your willingness.

    If You Start “Awareness” of Thoughts and Feelings

    Awareness is a buzzword that some don’t like. I look at it like this: How can you stop your truck from overheating, boiling over and blowing the engine on a hot summer day in the mountains? Just watch the temperature gauge. That’s it. Once you pay attention to that little gauge moving up and down, you will know when to stop and cool down, when to keep going. Awareness is just noticing what is happening for you. It can change everything.

    When you tell your counsellor what happens in your life, they will ask, “what did that feel like, what did your mind start thinking about?” The painful part of anxiety, depression or aftermath of trauma is what happens in the mind. Your counsellor will ask you to pay attention to what is happening in your mind, even your body. That may seem strange at first, and then you may notice how much unrecognized turmoil is going on in there.

    When any of us step back and look at how events of our childhood, teenage years, relationships or traumatic experiences shaped our thoughts and feelings of today, we become wiser, more thoughtful. We can take stock of the changes that need to be made, or cannot be made. We also can become more accepting of ourselves and others. That can bring relief, even healing.