“You are not listening to me,” she says. “But I am listening,” you reply. Here are practical steps to turn this conversation from a disaster to a success.
This is “Active” Listening
- Check the clock – give it ten minutes or so
- Become curious
- Say back what you hear
- Ask questions that go deeper
- Show some similar feelings
- Give Support
You might think that listening doesn’t solve anything. The research says it does. John Gottman found that couples who listen to each other, or better yet, feel listened to, have happier and longer-lasting relationships.
You will be amazed at what happens when you follow these 6 steps of active listening. There are two versions of this process, so be sure to notice which one you are doing
Six Steps – Complete each one
- Easier – Your partner is complaining about something other than you.
- Hard – Your partner is complaining about you – try the easy one first!
1 – Check the clock.
You have to stay with this for at least 10 minutes before you wind down. Longer is better, maybe an hour, maybe a day.
2 – Become Curious
Decide to be genuinely curious about what your partner is starting to tell you. You can’t fake it. You might need a little pause to become truly open-minded for a few minutes
3 – Say Back Some of What You Hear
That’s right, you actually say back the words they are saying to you. Not all of it, but some parts. This will sound strange until you try and see how it works. Don’t say it back like a parrot, or a machine; just say it with an understanding tone that proves you are listening.
In my experience, many will find this to be a silly idea at first. Once they start, they see how much their partner enjoys it.
Listen for the meaningful phrases they say to you and repeat that. You can also re-phrase it in your own words, but watch for a nod indicating you got it right. If not, keep listening.
4 – Ask Questions That Go Deeper
Ask questions that will help them tell you more that you don’t know about. Don’t ask questions about the little details. Instead, open the door to whatever might be connected:
- What makes you say that?
- What worries you about that?
- What does this situation remind you of?
- How does that make you feel?
- What are you hoping for?
- Tell me more.
5 – Put Some Feeling Into It
Feel what your partner feels for a few minutes. Show it with your tone and body language. Let them know you might feel the same way in the same spot (even if it’s only a bit). This is what they call empathy.
6 – Give Support
Support, not solutions! You really want to offer a solution right now, but don’t do it. This step might be all your partner needs from you. Maybe you have been told, “I don’t want solutions, I just want you to listen.” This step can make the listening session into a solution itself.
Support is when you bring yourself into the conversation and help your partner feel that you are on their side. Statements like this:
- I don’t want you to feel alone in this
- I don’t want you to feel …trapped, sad, angry, or whatever it is she feels.
- I want you to feel good about… whatever the topic is.
- You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You deserve… (describe what they hope for)
- I want to be on your side with this and help in any way I can
If your partner has been complaining about you, congratulations for making it this far. Your effort will be rewarded. After you give support it is ok to let the conversation wind down while you both think it over.
This post is based on the Gottman Stress Reducing Conversation.