Category: Communication

“You are not listening to me,” she says. “But I am listening,” you reply. Here are practical steps to turn this conversation from a disaster to a success.

This is “Active” Listening

• Check the clock – give it ten minutes or so
• Become curious
• Say back what you hear
• Ask questions that go deeper
• Show some similar feelings
• Give Support

You might think that listening doesn’t solve anything. The research says it does. John Gottman found that couples who listen to each other, or better yet, feel listened to, have happier and longer-lasting relationships.

You will be amazed at what happens when you follow these 6 steps of active listening. There are two versions of this process, so be sure to notice which one you are doing

Six Steps – Complete each one

• Easier – Your partner is complaining about something other than you.
• Hard – Your partner is complaining about you – try the easy one first!

1 – Check the clock.

Look at the clock and decide that its ok to give them 5, 10, 15 minutes of wide open listening time.

2 – Become Curious

Decide to be genuinely curious about what your partner is starting to tell you. You can’t fake it. You might need a little pause to become truly open-minded for a few minutes

3 – Say Back Some of What You Hear

That’s right, you actually say back the words they are saying to you. Not all of it, but some parts. This will sound strange until you try and see how it works. Don’t say it back like a parrot, or a machine; just say it with an understanding tone that proves you are listening.

In my experience, many will find this to be a silly idea at first. Once they start, they see how much their partner enjoys it.

Listen for the meaningful phrases they say to you and repeat that. You can also re-phrase it in your own words, but watch for a nod indicating you got it right. If not, keep listening.

4 – Ask Questions That Go Deeper

Ask questions that will help them tell you more that you don’t know about. Don’t ask questions about the little details. Instead, open the door to whatever might be connected:

• What makes you say that?
• What worries you about that?
• What does this situation remind you of?
• How does that make you feel?
• What are you hoping for?
• Tell me more.

5 – Put Some Feeling Into It

Feel what your partner feels for a few minutes. Show it with your tone and body language. Let them know you might feel the same way in the same spot (even if it’s only a bit). This is what they call empathy.

6 – Give Support

Support, not solutions! You really want to offer a solution right now, but don’t do it. This step might be all your partner needs from you. Maybe you have been told, “I don’t want solutions, I just want you to listen.” This step can make the listening session into a solution itself.

Support is when you bring yourself into the conversation and help your partner feel that you are on their side. Statements like this:

• I don’t want you to feel alone in this
• I don’t want you to feel …trapped, sad, angry, or whatever it is she feels.
• I want you to feel good about… whatever the topic is.
• You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You deserve… (describe what they hope for)
• I want to be on your side with this and help in any way I can

If your partner has been complaining about you, congratulations for making it this far. Your effort will be rewarded. After you give support it is ok to let the conversation wind down while you both think it over.

This post is based on the Gottman Stress Reducing Conversation.

This couple’s argument is headed for disaster. One communication skill alone could save their relationship. It’s not just any listening; it is active listening.

What is Active Listening For?

Active listening is powerful enough to re-direct a heated argument into a calmer discussion about what really matters. It can get you away from endless disputing about details and beliefs. It will also move you away from accusations and insults, the most damaging parts of your argument.

At first you might dismiss this as silly, weak, being a doormat. So maybe, see it as an experiment. You will discover why active listening is practiced by experts, from counsellors to hostage negotiators.

Here is a step by step approach to make your partner feel, and I do mean feel, understood. They will start to have hope about working together on this problem with you instead of fighting about it. It will be hard to start though, because instead of telling your partner what they should do or say, you will temporarily suspend your opinion and facts and start this process:

Prepare yourself

– Decide that it’s okay to pause defending yourself. Instead, become honestly curious about what might be behind your partner’s accusation. Get ready for them to blurt out some hurtful statements, which you will let pass by for now. You only interested in getting to their deeper concerns and hopes.

Show that you are listening

– Start listening as if you are someone not involved in the conflict. Nod your head with interest, say something like “oh…” or “uh huh,” with feeling so they can see that you are paying attention in some way.

Prove You Are Listening

– Never say “I understand.” Instead, prove that you understand by repeating back something that you heard. This is called a reflection. You might rephrase what they just said (without their accusing tone) or you could just repeat something exactly while nodding your head to show that you get it. Also, prove that you are listening to the feelings with body language. If the person describes something sad, show that feeling as you reflect. If the person is shocked, show a bit of that feeling as you say, “…wow you were shocked about that!” That is called empathy.

Check if this is Working

– When you repeat something back to your partner, look at their face for some indication that you got the meaning right, or wrong. If you have got it right, you will see a nod of their head or some look on their face showing agreement. If you don’t see that positive response, just listen a bit more and try again. Keep trying until they can see you are starting to recognize their point of view. This is where they start to feel listened to.

Ask a Question to Go Deeper

– Now you have a chance to find out how to build a bridge across the impasse. Ask one of these questions that will move the conversation to the real issue:

• What makes you want to say that? (you may have to ask this a few times)
• What matters to you about all this?
• What is the risk if this goes the wrong way for you?
• What are you feeling about this?
• What are you hoping for?

Dont as “why” questions. Asking someome “why” encourages reason giving or rationalization. You want to go deeper than just reasons.

Read between The Lines

– As they answer your question, listen for deeper meaning

• how they feel
• what their hopes are
• what their needs are
• what they are worried about

Reflect some of the deeper meaning back as well. Showing that you understand their inner world builds connection. By now the argument has toned down and there is an opportunity to start working together on a solution for both of you.

Make a Wise Choice About Next Steps

– You can go in one of two directions here. Be wise about switching to your own point of view; you might want to delay that till later.

• “I’m glad you told me about this. I need time to think about it”
• “Can I tell you something about what this means to me?”

How Active Listening Changes the Relationship

If you do this, the big effect will be to cool the heated emotions. When a person feels understood, even a bit, they start to calm down. That means they might now be willing to care about your point of view. Read my article about the I-message to see you to share your own views.

You might also decide to leave the conversation at just listening and promise to come back later. “Let’s talk again in the morning,” is sometimes the best thing to say.

When you need to express yourself about something that matters to you, and you want your listener to hear it without feeling too defensive, there is a brilliant formula for speaking up for yourself. If you take courses in communication, mediation or negotiation, this tool will be part of your classes. This is my short explanation of the “I-Message.”

Speak for Yourself

This formula will show you how to do just that. The goal is to limit your words to speaking the most true statements about you and you only. You will not speak about the other person, and therein is the magic of the I-message.

The I-Message

The I-message is focused on speaking about yourself only. It goes like this:

For example, if your roommate is playing loud music and you don’t like it, this would be an effective i-message.

Getting it Right

Getting it Wrong

Usually, we don’t say that. If I was feeling really annoyed, I might just blurt out a you-message instead:

My roommate will probably feel defensive and argue or ignore me.

Now look at the difference between the two versions.

• The i-message cannot be argued with because it makes statements about yourself that you would know for sure. A reasonable person would not argue that you feel something.
• A you-message offers two chances for your listener to argue, once for the judgement about “blasting” and once for the accusation of not caring
• The i-message is more true; a statement of facts
• The you-message is an opinion about the other person

The Advanced I-Message

Since your i-message might convey a negative feeling, it will help to express what you are hoping for, what you need instead. Add on a statement about what you need or intend so it comes out like this:

For the loud music situation, it would go like this: “When I can hear your music in my room, I feel distracted about getting my work done.”

Saying this turns the focus from your complaint about the music to something practical that you are trying to do. Your friend may find it easier to understand why you are complaining and be willing to help.

Ways to use the I-Message

To Make a Complaint

• “When I see these unwashed dishes taking up the counter space, I feel frustrated about being able to work in the kitchen. – Don’t say “This kitchen is a mess because you are a slob.”
• “When we show up late for an event, I feel embarrassed about people thinking we don’t care enough to be on time. – Don’t say, “When you make us late all the time, I feel like you don’t care.”

To Reconcile after an Argument

• “After our disagreement last night, I feel discouraged. I want us to have a good time and enjoy being together.” – Don’t say, “You were so mean to me last night, you made me mad and ruined everything.
• “When I think about what I said to you, I feel sorry about how the argument got carried away.”

To Ask for Something

• “When we go for a walk or lunch together, I start to feel more connected in our relationship.” – Don’t say, “You should go out with me more often instead of just acting like you don’t care about me.”
• “When I tell you about my day, I like it if you listen and let me finish the story.” – Don’t say, “When you interrupt me all the time, I feel like you think you know everything.”

To Give a Compliment

• When I tasted this soup, I was impressed with the seasoning and choice of ingredients.” – Don’t just say, “you are awesome at cooking.”

When Feelings Aren’t Welcome

Sometimes when you are in a masculine or production-oriented environment, talking about your vulnerable feelings does not go over well. In that case, you can still express feelings in an assertive way.

For example, when your associate cancelled a project but didn’t tell you until after all your planning work was done, you could make an assertive i-message. It will not contain “I feel,” but it will still convey your important feelings.

“When I found out this was cancelled without letting me know, I was surprised and confused about how we can work together going forward.”

Yes, this could be somewhat provocative, but you may find it much better than staying silent or accusing your associate of something.

A Sneaky Way of Accusing?

I-messages can contain accusations that promote defensiveness or argument, especially with tone of voice and body language. Consider this one:

“When you didn’t put me on the team, I felt rejected.”

Try saying that out loud with an accusing tone. Try saying it with a gentle tone. It can be an accusation or just a natural expression of what you felt.

A father might say this to their child:

“When I saw you got a B in math, I was disappointed.”

Depending on the situation it might be harmless, or it might be part of a crushing delivery of disapproval from an unrelenting parent.

When i-messages get used for accusing or demeaning people, they fail to build understanding or relationships.

Why This Is Hard

Coming up with the right feeling word can be tricky, especially in the heat of the moment. It is easier to say “I feel like you don’t care,” which actually just means “you don’t care.” It takes some thought to think of the right word to describe how you actually feel, such as disrespected, lonely, disappointed or confused. You might need to think about feeling words in advance or look at this printable feeling wheel.  

Not a Cure

Using an i-message will not always solve your relationship issues. It is a way to start expressing yourself truthfully without creating defensiveness in your listener. Sometimes that is all you will get, satisfaction from having made your stand. To build understanding you will need Brilliant Communication Tool Number 2: Active Listening.

When your discussion gets locked into arguing over who is at fault, it will usually end badly. Maybe your argument is all about past hurts and regrets and fear about repeating it over and over.

Reframing is a way to turn the discussion to the future, a better future.

What is Reframing?

Reframing is a communication skill that takes the same facts, complaints and regrets that you are already discussing and turns them into progress toward a solution. It is used by negotiators, leaders, counsellors and mediators. Here is a simple example:

• Original Description: “I am tired of spending two hours in traffic to get home from work every day. I am always exhausted when I get home.”
• Reframe: “I want to have some energy left at the end of the day. I need a faster way home or a different job location.”

This simple reframe could change a discussion from complaints and negativity into a solution-focused chat about possibilities for a better job location and enjoying evening activities. The reframe works by making two changes

1. Switch to talking about the future
2. Switch to talking about hopes and intentions, even dreams.

Types of Reframing

Positions to Interests

Instead of seeing your conflict in win-lose terms, look for the interests behind those positions. Moving from positions to interests is the go-to reframe.

Original: “You want to go to a resort in Mexico, but I want to explore Scotland. We can’t holiday together!”

Reframe: “You like to be somewhere warm and relaxing and I like to discover new places. Maybe we could go somewhere that has both.”

This reframe raises the conversation to what each one’s needs or interests are. Maybe this couple can figure out ways to meet both their interests with a new location.

Problem Focus to Goal Focus

Instead of exploring how bad the situation is, reframe to a goal.

Original: “We’re incompatible because I like being with people and you just like to stay home!”

Reframe: “Lots of happy couples have differences like us; how do they do it?”

This couple can start imagining ways to stay together even with their differences.

Fears to Hopes

Fears about repeating past problems can block us from seeing ways to change

Original: “You always ignore me, so I don’t try to talk to you anymore.”

Reframe: “I would love to have you listen to me about this. I wonder if that could happen.”

Differences to Similarities

Instead of listing all the clashing interests, reframe to similar ones.

Original: “The house is messy because you delay cleaning up, but I’m only happy when everything is put away!”

Reframe: “We both want to feel comfortable at home, how could we plan to meet in the middle?”

This couple will need to compromise somehow. Keeping their common interests in mind with help ease the challenge.

Wait Before Reframing

Save reframing for after you have listened for a while. It’s a big step for your partner to buy into switching the conversation to something positive. They need to feel their concerns are understood and even shared by you. Give it time.

Fixing problems and offering solutions is a natural response when you hear someone complain, and you will get to do that after your partner has said some of the things they are bursting to say.

Reframing Communication Gone Wrong

Don’t talk like a politician or a public relations spokesperson. We all feel annoyed when we hear a politician answer a question like this:

Question: “How can voters trust you to reduce crime and homelessness when those problems have just gotten worse since you were elected?”

Bad Reframe: “I am dedicated to making this community a better place to live because that’s what voters trust me to do”

Don’t do that. Using a reframe to defend yourself and obscure the concerns of your partner will just make them more hostile.

How to Practice Reframing

Start easy. Your partner is the most challenging person to do this with, so test your skills with someone in a casual conversation like this maybe:

Statement: “That repair on my car cost far too much. That shop scammed me.”

Response: “Wow, that’s not fair to you. You need a mechanic who is honest and affordable.”

Test yourself with the reaction too. If your response lands just right, you will see confirmation on your friend’s face, maybe nodding their head or saying “Uh huh, I sure do.”

Practicing at home will take more stamina at first. Inevitably something like this will happen:

Angry Statement: “You don’t listen to what I’m trying to say! I’m tired of this.”

Restrained Response: “Oh you want me to listen a bit better. I guess you would enjoy it if I did.”

It’s not easy to do that. You can guess how I know. Reframing is worth the effort. I know that too.

Thanks to my instructors in the conflict resolution programme at the Justice Institute of British Columbia for helping me learn about reframing described above, and other communication skills. I recommend their courses to any professional who needs to help staff or clients solve conflict.