Triggers happen when some small event sets off something bigger that is already locked and loaded. The big reaction is ready to go and the little event that sets it off is not the real issue. It’s just the “trigger.”
How Triggers Work.
An event, words or actions set off an emotional warning based on past experience. For example, our partner might appear to show, disapproval, turning away, or not respond to a request.
We Make Meaning out of that, talking to ourselves: “So I’m being criticized, ignored disrespected, attacked, devalued, etc!” This kind of self-talk winds up emotions.
Emotions Surge, frustration, anger, defensiveness, hopelessness, as well as heart rate, blood pressure and stress hormones. Once this starts to happen, clear thinking comes to an end and we react with fight or flight.
Action Impulse drives us to do or say something such as raise our voice, defend our actions, counterattack with criticism or withdraw, become silent, even passive-aggressive. Sometimes you can hardly control this, even saying to yourself, “don’t say that,” as the nasty words come out of your mouth.
How to Escape the Pattern
The easier way: When you have a positive mindset, and feel kind towards your partner, even vulnerable and optimistic, you will just let the trigger event pass quietly or respond with something loving and reassuring.
If the pattern has become habitual, there will be a bit more work as you redirect your own process like this:
Detach and observe how that little event started you feeling different all of a sudden. Pause and check if you really want this trigger to take off right now.
Make a useful meaning out of what happened: “ I guess he/she is worried about something,” or “this is one of those tense moments we should be careful with,” or “I’m ok, I don’t need to take it personally.” A different way of talking to yourself that is kinder or at least more detached from the person.
Soothe the emotion by observing it and take a pause, a few breaths, or even a break for a few minutes. Anger never brings partners closer and you will be wiser when your heart rate is slower.
Act on the useful meaning by responding more thoughtfully to the situation under the trigger event. Or, if that is too much right now, say out loud how you are thinking: “I started to fell defensive and angry after you said that, but I don’t want to get carried away. I want to slow down and get through this with a happy ending for both of us.”
Observing is a Skill
Step 1 above is a skill that will change your life. That little moment where you say to yourself, “hey what just happened inside me right now,” will give you the power to change your world. Some call it detachment, or misidentification. It is almost like stepping outside yourself and watching the event happen like a scientist. And the person you are watching is yourself.
When you get into an argument and hear yourself saying things you know shouldn’t be said. This strategy can help take a step or two closer to normal conversation.
When Your Brain Is Overloaded
In the heat of the moment, you might feel angry, or overwhelmed, or desperate or the need to run. It’s not calm thoughtful or intelligent the way you are with other people. Here is a simple, research tested process to get you closer to normal
1. Stop!
Make the argument stop by saying what is absolutely true in that moment:
“I am really ______________ (angry or frustrated or some feeling). This will go badly if we keep going.”
“I need to take a break till I feel more normal.”
Research on arguing couples shows they have elevated heartrates, blood pressure and stress hormones that cause their brains to prioritize fighting and de-prioritize thinking. When you are angry, you are less intelligent because brain resources have been diverted to make you powerful instead.
2. Take a Break
Get away and get your mind off the topic you were arguing about. Do not take a break to think it over. Deliberately think about something else.
Maybe take a walk and pay attention to the trees, the sky, the mountains, or even just the dirt. Listen to the birds or the cars or whatever you can hear. Smell the air.
When you take this kind of a break, your heart rate will come down, stress hormones will reduce and your brain will switch back to more intelligent thinking. The brain researchers call this “executive control.”
3. Play the Movie in Your Head
First, After you feel closer to normal, visualize the scene of the argument and how it would go if you had just stayed in it. Hear the raised voices, the harsh words, and the accusations. See how it usually ends and the bitter state of mind both of you can get into for the rest of the day or even the rest of the month. You know what this looks like because you have done it all before.
Second, play the movie where the argument goes better, gets solved or maybe just postponed. See yourself using different words to make that happen. See yourself looking calmer or kinder, whatever would work. Hear yourself talking like a partner or a lover or a leader or whatever it takes. Hear yourself talking with humor or love. Hear yourself even taking the other person’s perspective into account.
This method of visualizing is time tested. Recovering alcoholics use this to play the movie of what will happen after they take that first drink. Impulsive or ADHD personalities use visualization to help them see the risks or benefits of their behaviors. We all use it to avoid repeating painful mistakes.
4. Go Back and Offer to Start Over
Don’t just let it lie. That doesn’t work. This time use something called “gentle startup.” Most arguments end the way they start. Start gentle and you could get a gentle ending. Maybe admit that you were angry and said some harsh things.
Face it, you are only going to do one of four things in this discussion:
Stand your ground
Negotiate
Compromise
Postpone
Can you do what you need to do with kindness or love? Can you do it without accusations or bringing up old issues? You can. When anger subsides, your intelligence and wisdom return.
Most issues between couples never get solved. Issues like this are normal for most relationships with differences like this:
neat vs messy
careful vs adventurous
extrovert vs introvert
late vs on time
emotional vs rational
thrifty vs spending
planning vs spontaneous
Successful couples usually solve these with some combination of compromise, negotiation and forgiveness. They somehow keep the kindness in those discussions and stop discussions from escalating into fight or flight
Take it Further: Learn to Make your Relationship Better
There are many ways to improve your relationship. Here are some you might try:
Thoughts run away by themselves sometimes, seeming out of control, making us suffer over all the possible worst-case scenarios.
Working with your own thinking is a central activity in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). It has been tested with millions of clients by now and is known to make a big difference in anxious thinking. This is my version of a good CBT exercise. You will need some paper or a journal to write your thoughts in.
Can You Control Thoughts? – Yes
Try this little experiment in moving your attention from one thing to another: Stop right now and pay attention to your feet, where they are what is on them, and how they feel. Stop reading for a moment to do that.
Ok, now you are back at this screen. Now pay attention to your hands, and what they look like. Stop and do that.
Notice how it felt to move your attention around, back and forth between this screen and your hands or feet. You did that by deliberately controlling your mind. Controlling anxious thinking is a bit like that on a bigger scalel, so let’s break it into steps.
Step 1. Observe Your Thoughts
Consider this unfortunate fellow who is worrying about something:
His mind is running this playlist of thoughts over and over and he feels awful, unable to focus on other things. He is sure these thoughts are all absolutely true. You can see that only the first ones are true; the rest are predictions.
What would your playlist of thoughts look like? Grab a sheet of paper (which you can destroy later) or a journal and write down your worries.
Now see if you can notice, with curiosity, how all these thoughts roll around in your mind. The playlist seems to run automatically even if you don’twant to hear these thoughts yet again. It is not like normal problem-solving where you figure something out. This instead is a continuous, distressing noise in your mind that gets in the way of everything else.
Step 2 – Ask: What Effect Do These Thoughts Have?
Feeling:
You might notice that even as you look at those worries, you get a feeling. Maybe a feeling of tension, fear, anger, helplessness, urgency, or something else.
Focus
How much mental focus do these thoughts consume? How much do they get in the way of thinking about other important items?
Abilities
How much do these worries diminish your normal handling of day-to-day challenges?
Relationships
What do these worries do to your relationships? Usually, worries make us more distant from others, especially our close relationships. Our spouses or partners usually notice and maybe complain about it.
Write down your answers. Writing has a greater effect than just thinking in your mind.
Step 3. See The Cycle of Suffering.
Step back from agreeing with the worries for a moment. Just notice how they work. Pause and notice that your suffering is not because of events in the outside world. Instead, the real suffering is generated on the inside due to unwanted cycling of the same thoughts and feelings over and over.
Sure, you know this already but do something different here. Sit quietly and observe this happening in your own mind. Do that for a minute or so.
Step 4. Make a Realistic Alternative Playlist
It took some effort, but our friend has decided to challenge his beliefs about what will happen. He has come up with some alternatives:
This playlist of thoughts does not play automatically, so he has to deliberately choose to think, and say, these thoughts.
Now write down your alternative playlist of thoughts. Only write down things that really make sense to you. These questions might help:
What would you tell a friend in the same situation?
What do you truly believe about the meaning of your life?
Think of a person you trust. What would they say to you?
What are your long term goals?
Do not write fluffy positive affirmations. Write something you coud actually believe in time.
As you write, you may notice a shift in how you feel. So far so good. Next is the big question
Step 5. Use “Present Moment” to Switch Playlists
It’s almost impossible to just switch from negative thinking to positive. Next is a powerful tool to help make the change.
The best-known method of switching thought mental playlists is to start by deliberately bringing your attention into the present moment. Any activity that makes you focus on what is right here, right now will qualify. This is the part where you “get out of your head.” Do it by purposefully moving your mind to what is outside of you.
In counselling, we practice ways of doing this. Here are some ways to do this on your own.
Mindfulness
Sit at pay mindful attention to where you are right now. Just notice what is in front of you, above you, and around you. Notice how your body feels sitting there. Notice your breath going in and out. Stretch your arms or legs and feel the stretching. After doing that for a few minutes, ask yourself which thought playlist you would like to allow back into your mind.
Speak it Out Loud
Say your thoughts out loud to someone. It doesn’t need to be too heavy. Even this will do: “I’ve been worrying a lot about this problem, and now I’m working on having a better perspective by recognizing…(describe the better thoughts)… and I think it will help me move on.” As you say that out loud, your mind finds it much easier to believe the realistic, better thinking.
Physical Activity
Do some activity that is good for you. Not to be confused with mere distraction, some activities like walking, exercise, socializing, or going out to enjoy music or movies gives your mind a healthy break to reset. After you do that, review the two playlists above. You may find it easier to choose balanced thinking after this reset.
Each of the above activities provides a break to get out of your head. Do them with the specific intention that “I am bringing my mind back to more balanced thinking.” It is a bit like practicing a sport or musical instrument. You get more skill with practice.
6. Give Yourself Permission to Lapse
We all slip back and forth between anxious and positive thinking. It’s not possible to think positively all the time. We even need times of anxiety in our lives to help us get moving. For those of us to tend to worry more, it helps to recognize that we will slip in and out of feeling this way. Having some tools to observe and change our thinking is the best protection against feeling trapped by anxiety.
