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Controlling Anxious Thoughts
Thoughts run away by themselves sometimes, seeming out of control, making us suffer over all the possible worst-case scenarios.

Working with your own thinking is a central activity in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). It has been tested with millions of clients by now and is known to make a big difference in anxious thinking. This is my version of a good CBT exercise. You will need some paper or a journal to write your thoughts in.

Can You Control Thoughts? – Yes

Try this little experiment in moving your attention from one thing to another: Stop right now and pay attention to your feet, where they are what is on them, and how they feel. Stop reading for a moment to do that.

Ok, now you are back at this screen. Now pay attention to your hands, and what they look like. Stop and do that.

Notice how it felt to move your attention around, back and forth between this screen and your hands or feet. You did that by deliberately controlling your mind. Controlling anxious thinking is a bit like that on a bigger scalel, so let’s break it into steps.

Step 1. Observe Your Thoughts

Consider this unfortunate fellow who is worrying about something:

His mind is running this playlist of thoughts over and over and he feels awful, unable to focus on other things. He is sure these thoughts are all absolutely true. You can see that only the first ones are true; the rest are predictions.

What would your playlist of thoughts look like? Grab a sheet of paper (which you can destroy later) or a journal and write down your worries.

Now see if you can notice, with curiosity, how all these thoughts roll around in your mind. The playlist seems to run automatically even if you don’twant to hear these thoughts yet again. It is not like normal problem-solving where you figure something out. This instead is a continuous, distressing noise in your mind that gets in the way of everything else.

Step 2 – Ask: What Effect Do These Thoughts Have?

Feeling:

You might notice that even as you look at those worries, you get a feeling. Maybe a feeling of tension, fear, anger, helplessness, urgency, or something else.

Focus

How much mental focus do these thoughts consume? How much do they get in the way of thinking about other important items?

Abilities

How much do these worries diminish your normal handling of day-to-day challenges?

Relationships

What do these worries do to your relationships? Usually, worries make us more distant from others, especially our close relationships. Our spouses or partners usually notice and maybe complain about it.

Write down your answers. Writing has a greater effect than just thinking in your mind.

Step 3. See The Cycle of Suffering.

Step back from agreeing with the worries for a moment. Just notice how they work. Pause and notice that your suffering is not because of events in the outside world. Instead, the real suffering is generated on the inside due to unwanted cycling of the same thoughts and feelings over and over.

Sure, you know this already but do something different here. Sit quietly and observe this happening in your own mind. Do that for a minute or so.

Step 4. Make a Realistic Alternative Playlist

It took some effort, but our friend has decided to challenge his beliefs about what will happen. He has come up with some alternatives:

This playlist of thoughts does not play automatically, so he has to deliberately choose to think, and say, these thoughts.

Now write down your alternative playlist of thoughts. Only write down things that really make sense to you. These questions might help:
- What would you tell a friend in the same situation?
- What do you truly believe about the meaning of your life?
- Think of a person you trust. What would they say to you?
- What are your long term goals?
Do not write fluffy positive affirmations. Write something you coud actually believe in time.

As you write, you may notice a shift in how you feel. So far so good. Next is the big question

Step 5. Use “Present Moment” to Switch Playlists

It’s almost impossible to just switch from negative thinking to positive. Next is a powerful tool to help make the change.

The best-known method of switching thought mental playlists is to start by deliberately bringing your attention into the present moment. Any activity that makes you focus on what is right here, right now will qualify. This is the part where you “get out of your head.” Do it by purposefully moving your mind to what is outside of you.

In counselling, we practice ways of doing this. Here are some ways to do this on your own.

Mindfulness

Sit at pay mindful attention to where you are right now. Just notice what is in front of you, above you, and around you. Notice how your body feels sitting there. Notice your breath going in and out. Stretch your arms or legs and feel the stretching. After doing that for a few minutes, ask yourself which thought playlist you would like to allow back into your mind.

Speak it Out Loud

Say your thoughts out loud to someone. It doesn’t need to be too heavy. Even this will do: “I’ve been worrying a lot about this problem, and now I’m working on having a better perspective by recognizing…(describe the better thoughts)… and I think it will help me move on.” As you say that out loud, your mind finds it much easier to believe the realistic, better thinking.

Physical Activity

Do some activity that is good for you. Not to be confused with mere distraction, some activities like walking, exercise, socializing, or going out to enjoy music or movies gives your mind a healthy break to reset. After you do that, review the two playlists above. You may find it easier to choose balanced thinking after this reset.

Each of the above activities provides a break to get out of your head. Do them with the specific intention that “I am bringing my mind back to more balanced thinking.” It is a bit like practicing a sport or musical instrument. You get more skill with practice.

6. Give Yourself Permission to Lapse

We all slip back and forth between anxious and positive thinking. It’s not possible to think positively all the time. We even need times of anxiety in our lives to help us get moving. For those of us to tend to worry more, it helps to recognize that we will slip in and out of feeling this way. Having some tools to observe and change our thinking is the best protection against feeling trapped by anxiety.
January 19, 2025
Effective Communication with the I-Message
When you need to express yourself about something that matters to you, and you want your listener to hear it without feeling too defensive, there is a brilliant formula for speaking up for yourself. If you take courses in communication, mediation or negotiation, this tool will be part of your classes. This is my short explanation of the “I-Message.”

Speak for Yourself

This formula will show you how to do just that. The goal is to limit your words to speaking the most true statements about you and you only. You will not speak about the other person, and therein is the magic of the I-message.

The I-Message

The I-message is focused on speaking about yourself only. It goes like this:

For example, if your roommate is playing loud music and you don’t like it, this would be an effective i-message.

Getting it Right

Getting it Wrong

Usually, we don’t say that. If I was feeling really annoyed, I might just blurt out a you-message instead:

My roommate will probably feel defensive and argue or ignore me.

Now look at the difference between the two versions.
- The i-message cannot be argued with because it makes statements about yourself that you would know for sure. A reasonable person would not argue that you feel something.
- A you-message offers two chances for your listener to argue, once for the judgement about “blasting” and once for the accusation of not caring
- The i-message is more true; a statement of facts
- The you-message is an opinion about the other person
The Advanced I-Message

Since your i-message might convey a negative feeling, it will help to express what you are hoping for, what you need instead. Add on a statement about what you need or intend so it comes out like this:

For the loud music situation, it would go like this: “When I can hear your music in my room, I feel distracted about getting my work done.”

Saying this turns the focus from your complaint about the music to something practical that you are trying to do. Your friend may find it easier to understand why you are complaining and be willing to help.

Ways to use the I-Message

To Make a Complaint
- “When I see these unwashed dishes taking up the counter space, I feel frustrated about being able to work in the kitchen. – Don’t say “This kitchen is a mess because you are a slob.”
- “When we show up late for an event, I feel embarrassed about people thinking we don’t care enough to be on time. – Don’t say, “When you make us late all the time, I feel like you don’t care.”
To Reconcile after an Argument
- “After our disagreement last night, I feel discouraged. I want us to have a good time and enjoy being together.” – Don’t say, “You were so mean to me last night, you made me mad and ruined everything.
- “When I think about what I said to you, I feel sorry about how the argument got carried away.”
To Ask for Something
- “When we go for a walk or lunch together, I start to feel more connected in our relationship.” – Don’t say, “You should go out with me more often instead of just acting like you don’t care about me.”
- “When I tell you about my day, I like it if you listen and let me finish the story.” – Don’t say, “When you interrupt me all the time, I feel like you think you know everything.”
To Give a Compliment
- When I tasted this soup, I was impressed with the seasoning and choice of ingredients.” – Don’t just say, “you are awesome at cooking.”
When Feelings Aren’t Welcome

Sometimes when you are in a masculine or production-oriented environment, talking about your vulnerable feelings does not go over well. In that case, you can still express feelings in an assertive way.

For example, when your associate cancelled a project but didn’t tell you until after all your planning work was done, you could make an assertive i-message. It will not contain “I feel,” but it will still convey your important feelings.

“When I found out this was cancelled without letting me know, I was surprised and confused about how we can work together going forward.”

Yes, this could be somewhat provocative, but you may find it much better than staying silent or accusing your associate of something.

A Sneaky Way of Accusing?

I-messages can contain accusations that promote defensiveness or argument, especially with tone of voice and body language. Consider this one:

“When you didn’t put me on the team, I felt rejected.”

Try saying that out loud with an accusing tone. Try saying it with a gentle tone. It can be an accusation or just a natural expression of what you felt.

A father might say this to their child:

“When I saw you got a B in math, I was disappointed.”

Depending on the situation it might be harmless, or it might be part of a crushing delivery of disapproval from an unrelenting parent.

When i-messages get used for accusing or demeaning people, they fail to build understanding or relationships.

Why This Is Hard

Coming up with the right feeling word can be tricky, especially in the heat of the moment. It is easier to say “I feel like you don’t care,” which actually just means “you don’t care.” It takes some thought to think of the right word to describe how you actually feel, such as disrespected, lonely, disappointed or confused. You might need to think about feeling words in advance or look at this printable feeling wheel.

Not a Cure

Using an i-message will not always solve your relationship issues. It is a way to start expressing yourself truthfully without creating defensiveness in your listener. Sometimes that is all you will get, satisfaction from having made your stand. To build understanding you will need Brilliant Communication Tool Number 2: Active Listening.
January 19, 2025
Better Communication with Reframing
When your discussion gets locked into arguing over who is at fault, it will usually end badly. Maybe your argument is all about past hurts and regrets and fear about repeating it over and over.

Reframing is a way to turn the discussion to the future, a better future.

What is Reframing?

Reframing is a communication skill that takes the same facts, complaints and regrets that you are already discussing and turns them into progress toward a solution. It is used by negotiators, leaders, counsellors and mediators. Here is a simple example:
- Original Description: “I am tired of spending two hours in traffic to get home from work every day. I am always exhausted when I get home.”
- Reframe: “I want to have some energy left at the end of the day. I need a faster way home or a different job location.”
This simple reframe could change a discussion from complaints and negativity into a solution-focused chat about possibilities for a better job location and enjoying evening activities. The reframe works by making two changes
1. Switch to talking about the future
2. Switch to talking about hopes and intentions, even dreams.
Types of Reframing

Positions to Interests

Instead of seeing your conflict in win-lose terms, look for the interests behind those positions. Moving from positions to interests is the go-to reframe.

Original: “You want to go to a resort in Mexico, but I want to explore Scotland. We can’t holiday together!”

Reframe: “You like to be somewhere warm and relaxing and I like to discover new places. Maybe we could go somewhere that has both.”

This reframe raises the conversation to what each one’s needs or interests are. Maybe this couple can figure out ways to meet both their interests with a new location.

Problem Focus to Goal Focus

Instead of exploring how bad the situation is, reframe to a goal.

Original: “We’re incompatible because I like being with people and you just like to stay home!”

Reframe: “Lots of happy couples have differences like us; how do they do it?”

This couple can start imagining ways to stay together even with their differences.

Fears to Hopes

Fears about repeating past problems can block us from seeing ways to change

Original: “You always ignore me, so I don’t try to talk to you anymore.”

Reframe: “I would love to have you listen to me about this. I wonder if that could happen.”

Differences to Similarities

Instead of listing all the clashing interests, reframe to similar ones.

Original: “The house is messy because you delay cleaning up, but I’m only happy when everything is put away!”

Reframe: “We both want to feel comfortable at home, how could we plan to meet in the middle?”

This couple will need to compromise somehow. Keeping their common interests in mind with help ease the challenge.

Wait Before Reframing

Save reframing for after you have listened for a while. It’s a big step for your partner to buy into switching the conversation to something positive. They need to feel their concerns are understood and even shared by you. Give it time.

Fixing problems and offering solutions is a natural response when you hear someone complain, and you will get to do that after your partner has said some of the things they are bursting to say.

Reframing Communication Gone Wrong

Don’t talk like a politician or a public relations spokesperson. We all feel annoyed when we hear a politician answer a question like this:

Question: “How can voters trust you to reduce crime and homelessness when those problems have just gotten worse since you were elected?”

Bad Reframe: “I am dedicated to making this community a better place to live because that’s what voters trust me to do”

Don’t do that. Using a reframe to defend yourself and obscure the concerns of your partner will just make them more hostile.

How to Practice Reframing

Start easy. Your partner is the most challenging person to do this with, so test your skills with someone in a casual conversation like this maybe:

Statement: “That repair on my car cost far too much. That shop scammed me.”

Response: “Wow, that’s not fair to you. You need a mechanic who is honest and affordable.”

Test yourself with the reaction too. If your response lands just right, you will see confirmation on your friend’s face, maybe nodding their head or saying “Uh huh, I sure do.”

Practicing at home will take more stamina at first. Inevitably something like this will happen:

Angry Statement: “You don’t listen to what I’m trying to say! I’m tired of this.”

Restrained Response: “Oh you want me to listen a bit better. I guess you would enjoy it if I did.”

It’s not easy to do that. You can guess how I know. Reframing is worth the effort. I know that too.

Thanks to my instructors in the conflict resolution programme at the Justice Institute of British Columbia for helping me learn about reframing described above, and other communication skills. I recommend their courses to any professional who needs to help staff or clients solve conflict.
January 19, 2025
Acceptance is a Skill for Anxiety
This seems backwards at first. Anxiety is the enemy, right? Surprisingly the fastest way to reduce anxiety is to accept it. Here is how it works.

This approach to anxiety comes from an evidence-based kind of counselling called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

Anxiety is the Enemy?

In counselling offices, clients with anxiety come seeking relief. They just want it to end somehow. They may have already put much effort into dysfunctional coping strategies such as substance use, avoiding people and situations, and telling others and themselves that “I’m fine.” All that has been an effort to avoid the feelings of anxiety.

Ironically, by practicing avoidance, we make anxiety the enemy, battling to get rid of it, anxiety becomes the star of our show, stealing the spotlight from everything else that matters to us.

In his book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, Stephen Hayes describes what happens when we try to avoid anxiety. Like the Chinese finger trap pictured below, the harder you pull, the harder it grips your finger. The only way to escape is to stop trying to get out.

Fighting anxiety just makes it grab tighter.

Picture a tug-of-war with your anxiety. You pull as hard as possible to win the war, but your anxiety pulls back just as hard. You are equally matched in an endless struggle. Stephen Hayes proposes a new way to end the tug-of-war: Drop the rope.

In place of struggling with anxiety, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) recommends a new stance of acceptance or willingness toward distressing thoughts and feelings. It is entirely normal for us humans to go through cycles of distress and calm. As we let worried stressful thoughts just pass through us, anxiety starts to take a smaller and smaller portion of our mental energy.

Anxiety about Anxiety

Sometimes anxiety comes in two parts.
- Part One – Anxiety that is triggered by something external that worries you such as social situations, financial pressure, or something dangerous. This anxiety comes for natural reasons. When it gets excessive, you will naturally start seeking coping strategies to help manage those feelings.
- Part Two – As if a voice inside you says “Oh no, my anxiety is back! This is terrible!” A cascade of thoughts and feelings begins, focused on worrying about the anxiety that first appeared in response to a trigger. Now you have double the anxiety you started with. Often when I point this out to counselling clients, they find it fairly easy to shed these worries about anxiety.
Many people find they can dispense with part two using acceptance. By taking a breath and speaking to themselves, with kindness, something like, “Yes my anxiety is back, and that’s something that happens to me, so I will just let it pass through me. I will keep focusing on what’s important about today.” Doing so does not make anxiety go away, as we wish it would. It does free us from the need to battle with anxiety symptoms. This is disengaging with anxiety, giving it a smaller place in our world.

Practicing Acceptance of Anxiety

This is something we work on in counselling sessions, and here is a short version that you can try yourself in three steps. These steps are described by Russ Harris in his ACT book “The Happiness Trap.” He calls it “dropping anchor.” Find a quiet location with a comfortable chair and go through these steps:

1. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings

As you sit quietly, notice the thoughts and feelings showing up inside your mind. Notice the anxious feeling that is inside your body. Silently name it by saying, “I notice a feeling of ________ inside me.” Also, name the anxious thoughts that go through your mind. Decide that it will be okay if those thoughts and feelings are there for now.

2. Connect with your body and the world around you

Feel the floor with your feet; feel how the chair holds your body. Take some deep breaths and observe how breathing works. Notice the room or environment around you. See the details and colours. Notice what you hear too. Even take time to notice you are there.

See if you can calmly let the feelings of anxiety or the worried thoughts just be there as you stretch your arms or neck, push your feet into the floor and breathe deeply.

3. Engage and circle back

Notice what you are doing here. Then go a bit deeper. Name in detail the anxious thoughts and feelings that are inside. Notice how they want to pull all of your attention. Then pay attention to the environment you are in again, flex your body and notice what you see and hear or smell. Go through this circle a few times.

By the end of this little exercise, you may find something has shifted in the way you feel. You may be more ready to handle the day, even with some anxious feelings fluttering around in your body. They may be less significant now.

Refocus on Values

Values are the qualities of living that matter to us. They are not goals for the future; they describe the kind of person we want to be, right here, today and this week. What kind of person do you want to be? Here are just a few possibilities:
- Accepting
- Assertive
- Compassionate
- Contributing
- Courageous
- Flexible
- Fun
- Kind
- Responsible
- Skillful
For a more extensive values list, see this page by Russ Harris

When you choose to focus on being the kind of person you believe in, some of your internal struggles become more tolerable. Similar to the pain you feel if you exercise, or the disapproval you sometimes receive when you make a tough decision, anxiety can be accepted as something that goes with being a caring or thoughtful person. Would I rather be numb to risks and the suffering of others? Can I accept anxiety being with me as I strive to be the best I can be?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Anxiety

In the ACT model for coping with anxiety acceptance and commitment have specific meanings to guide progress:
- Acceptance of my thoughts and feelings that cause distress, instead of avoidance.
- Commitment to living and being the kind of person I believe in.
As we do this, anxiety and worry often diminish, consuming less of our mental energy, allowing us to focus on living better.
January 19, 2025